Undivided Attention

I don’t often feel lonely. Loneliness is a rarity in my life. I am frequently alone, but rarely lonely. I felt it a little last night. Not in the way I would often describe it. Not the way that aches and groans for friendship and love--a lesser amount of loneliness. A bored, dull amount. Boring-dull-lonely. An interesting mix of suck.

I don’t remember feeling this at my last apartment. I know my roommates were gone just as much as the one I have now. I had T.V. and internet there though. Sadly, I feel lonely without it. I would prefer to feel lonely when there is a lack of humans, not a lack of entertainment. As if loneliness was a choice.

I realize that I was lonely at my old apartment, same as now.
I just started thinking more here.

I’m alone with myself more often. Its oddly intimate, being alone. Few people have been by themselves with me as long as I have. I’m alone... with myself... everyday. In the shower, in the car, on the way to Wichita, painting the house.

Sadly, in those times of alone-ness, they’re rarely intimate. They are usually shared with Hollywood or the world wide web. How strange it is, my intimacy with this world. My invitation daily goes out as I turn on the T.V.

Come Hollywood, be alone with me.

I wonder if my fiance has been alone with me as much as Hollywood has? Hollywood had an 18-year head start.

I wish she had the kind of free-flowing access to my mind that Hollywood does. I wish when I heard her voice everything else was drowned out. The way T.V. mutes reality. I wish she could become my reality.

I wish I was zoned into her and captivated by her, the way T.V. can allure me. I’ve seen thousands and thousands of boring infomercials and ridiculous t.v. shows solely because I couldn’t turn away. I wish I could replace those with hundreds of reruns of stories told by my Ellie. I wish she knew that her allure on me, meant that her re-runs were worth watching over, and over, and over. That her bland and seemingly normal information was enough to steal my attention from a giant room filled with voices, sounds, and noise.

“Tell me that story again, tell me about your day. I want to hear your stories, I want them to be my influence; I want them to shape my soul. Your story that is so much greater than Hollywood’s. Its more beautiful, more filling. And it leaves me less empty. It gives shape to my life, rather than melting my soul. Your stories give me hope and joy, rather than eroding my spirit.

You are all I hear in a world full of noise. You are all I see in a room filled with color.

I am captivated by you.

Come into my alone-ness, you have my undivided attention.”